Thursday, April 19, 2018

Stupid questions.

Stupid questions (not all) they ask at an interview.

1. Can you tell me a little about yourself?
: Absolutely, I'm a writer, songwriter, poet, and lyricist. I’m broke and I don’t get along with my wife, and I owe four years of taxes.

2. How did you hear about the position?
: It was advertised online

3. What do you know about the company?
: Absolutely nothing.

4. Why do you want this job?
: I’m broke and I need to earn some money. My family is hungry, I go to the food bank, and I owe money on all my bills.

5. Why should we hire you?
: Because, I took the initiative and applied for the job.

6. What are your greatest professional strengths?
: Mostly in my biceps and quads.

7. What do you consider to be your weaknesses?
: Definitely my abs. Too much fat covering them.

8. What is your greatest professional achievement?
: Working as a Milkman delivering milk in Scotland. By the way, I’m being honest here. Greatest job I’ve ever had. I loved it so much. Did my first milk run at 5-a.m. came back to dairy for a full cooked bacon and egg breakfast every morning along with the owner and his wife and other drivers. Finished every day at 12-noon. In 1973 I was making £40 per week plus tips. I had Wednesday and Sundays off. It was a fantastic job. I miss it so much. There was so much freedom. I always ask myself the question, “Why did I quit?

9. Tell me about a challenge or conflict you've faced at work, and how you dealt with it.
 : While working with Canada Post at the plant in downtown Edmonton. My superintendent commented as one of the women who had been overweight walked past. He said to me, “Look at that big fat pig” and then he laughed. I then told him about his slanderous remark which he didn’t like. The next day, I took the time and wrote a letter to the head office in Winnipeg. I knew that if I had reported it to management in Edmonton, nothing would have been done.

 10. Where do you see yourself in five years?
: Either still writing songs and poetry or six feet in the grave.

11. What's your dream job?
: With guitar in hand, writing a song on a beach in California or Florida.

12. What other companies are you interviewing with?
: None, nobody wants to hire me. Maybe it’s how I answer their questions. On the other hand, quite possibly, because I’m now 64 years of age. Companies say they don’t discriminate, but they really do. When you’re my age, no one wants you, which I can honestly understand. After all, I’m not exactly a career person. Maybe I could be a greeter for Wal-Mart.

13. Why are you leaving your current job?
: I’m self-employed as a painting contractor and my knees are too sore.

14. Why were you fired?
: I didn’t like the manager’s attitude and I told him he was an asshole.

15. What are you looking for in a new position?
: To be allowed to exercise my talents.

16. What type of work environment do you prefer?
: A friendly humorous one.

17. What's your management style?
: #1is employee relationship. If you treat your employees with respect, they will do a great job for you.

18. What's a time you exercised leadership?
: While working with Canada Post at the downtown plant. Management were unable to prevent the employees from jamming the machines. They asked me if I could speak with them. Because I had a great relationship with the employees, I resolved the problem in a few minutes of discussion with the employees. Sometimes the employees would jam the machines if they were disgruntled with management.

19. What's a time you disagreed with a decision that was made at work?
: While I was working with Canada Post at the downtown plant in Edmonton Alberta Canada. It was close to Christmas and one of the women asked me for the Christmas tree that we had in our storage room. I asked the manager for the key. The manager said, “Go tell the woman, to straddle her legs over the mezzanine railing and spread her legs out and she will look like a Christmas tree.” I declined to do this. My manager came back later and asked me if I had told her. I said, absolutely not. I said, “I wouldn’t treat people like that.”
Later, I was called into the office for an interview and was told that I showed indifference to management style. 

20. How would your boss and co-workers describe you?
: Canada Post management would say. That I was indifferent to management style. In other words, I didn’t slander everyone like they did.

21. Why was there a gap in your employment?
:Duh! I was unemployed, no job, out of work.

22. Can you explain why you changed career paths?
: In the year 2000, my 3-year old daughter was in hospital having surgery. I asked for special leave from management at Canada Post, they declined. This was due to the fact that I had reported management to head office in Winnipeg because of their slanderous remarks towards employees. I then went back and looked at my daughter lying on the hospital bed, she was crying. I went outside of her room and called management at Canada Post and told them that I was resigning, that my daughter was more important. They replied, “good”. That’s why I changed career paths and have absolutely no regrets.

23. How do you deal with pressure or stressful situations?
: I smoke Marijuana, just kidding. I go into my music room and smash one of my guitars.

24. What would your first 30, 60, or 90 days look like in this role?
: My first 30-days I would arrive early, after 60-days I would slack off a little, after 90-days I would be fired for lack of commitment.

25. What are your salary requirements?
: As much as you could pay, probably around $30 per hour to start.

26. What do you like to do outside of work?
: That’s a very personal question, do you mean while I’m in bed our out of bed. I usually play with my tennis balls; I’m an avid tennis player and play about ten hours each week in the summer.

27. If you were an animal, which one would you want to be?
: Probably a giraffe, this way I wouldn’t need a ladder to paint my upstairs windows. There again, my wife calls me a wild cougar.

28. How many tennis balls can you fit into a limousine?
1,000? 10,000? 100,000? Seriously?
: Not sure, I don’t own a limousine.

29. Are you planning on having children?
: No way, I have six already.

30. What do you think we could do better or differently?
: Create better interview questions.

31. Do you have any questions for us?
: Yes, why do you ask so many stupid questions?

End of interview, I didn’t get the job. 

Now, that’s where honesty gets you.

By the way, the answers are mine. I hope you have a sense of humor.

Written by Chris Turner
April 19, 2018.

Questions courtesy of “themuse” online career  website.